Monthly Archives: August 2010

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The world needs more wax museums.  Specifically, the world needs a wax museum in Portland.  Wax museums are cool, quirky, and weird, three things Portland is known for.  Also, I just like wax museums, and I'd like one close by. I know wax museums are a money-losing proposition, but I have an idea to overcome this, which I'll explain at the end of the post.

A wax museum is a great place to educate the populace, highlighting historical figures and taking special care with accuracy.  Ha, just kidding.  I'd rather emphasize the strange, horrible, haunted, and titillating.  Proposed displays:

Walk of Mayors and Other Robber Barons. Not all the mayors, obviously.  Just the most recent and the most salacious, along with a few extras like Ben Holladay and Francis Xavier.  Hawthorne gets his own section, because hey, asylums are spooky.

Portland Celebrities. Callahan, Ursula LeGuin, Matt Groening, Danny Glover, and anyone else we can shoehorn in.  Hey, that guy who played McGuyver was from around here, right?  He gets a spot as McGuyver and Jack O'Neill.  Oh, and life-sized Simpsons figures (how creepy would that be?) to go with Groening.

Lathe Of Heaven.  Not only did LeGuin write the book, but the film was made here.  Also, this is just out-of-the-blue weird.  People will say "Why the hell is there a Lathe of Heaven display?" Every wax museum needs at least one of these.  It will involve lasers, and that will be enough.

The Rat Pack.  I have always admired Newport's display of Sammy Davis Jr., Liza, and the rest.  It's a lounge setting, with a soundtrack that asks the audience to sing along.  Onlookers stand around in subtle embarrassment, afraid to sing, but wondering if they've hurt Frank's feelings.  It gives the museum a sense of history.  People will assume the museum must have been around since the 60s.  Also, Sammy Davis Jr., with that eye?  Creepy.  Maybe we can work in some lasers.

And then, for no apparent reason, just as it is in all wax museums, there must be a Chamber of Horrors.  I say make it 18+ so we can get away with more awful stuff, and also nudity.  I'm not so much into gore, but we gotta have it to draw the crowds.  Maybe a Dexter display. Just include lots of ghosts and vampires and stuff for me.

In addition, the museum should have a bar that is accessible both from the beginning and end of the display.  The beginning, because wax museums are totally more fun drunk, and at the end, because wax museums require more drinking to forget.  Microbrews, natch.  There will be one way to exit from the bar, which will include a surprise corner containing a final figure of Sasquatch.  Lots of teeth.  Motion activated roaring.  The idea is to make traumatized, twice-drunk people say "holy fuck!" and possibly mess themselves.  This is where we take the blackmail photos.