A regular at my favorite

A regular at my favorite Yahoo club received an interesting conversation starter in the mail and posted it. I wanted to go point by point, and figured it would be too long to post there. So, for your radical political viewpoint of the day, I present my rebuttal to:

“I Guess I’m a Bad American”

By some anonymous asshole

  1. I like big cars, big boats, big houses.

    Americans make up 5% of the world’s population, yet they use a quarter of its resources. Your sense of entitlement is a big (and you seem to like it big) part of the problem. May you live long enough to experience first-hand the destruction of your short-sightedness. In fact, I hope you’ve had children so you can die knowing you’ve left them nothing.

  2. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some middle-aged governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to
    give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.


    Absolutely. Keep your money. However, you will no longer be allowed to:

    • Drive
    • Use the library
    • Call an ambulance when your son is in an accident
    • Walk on a sidewalk
    • Vote
    • Call the police when your home is robbed
    • Sue anyone in any court

    In addition, you will have assure the purity of your own food and water, and you will not have the use of publicly owned utilities.

  3. I don’t care about appearing compassionate.


    I don’t care about appearing compassionate either. It’s what we do, not how we appear. Though I have a feeling you meant it both ways.

  4. I think playing with toy guns doesn’t make you a killer.


    Of course not. Nothing we do as children has any affect on our attitudes as adults. Girls watching MTV don’t wear midriff-bearing shirts. Boys that see girls treated as objects would never treat them that way in their own lives. The violence of the parents is never passed on to children. Playing with toy guns doesn’t make you a killer. Ignorance about the influence of the world could certainly do so for your children.

  5. I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.


    Ya lost me on that one, big guy. Do you mean they should be boys? That they should scout? Well, there ya go. As long as you didn’t mean something stupid like, oh, boys who are attracted to other boys are actually girls, and should be excluded? Nah, that would be too ignorant even for you. Maybe.

  6. I think I’m doing better than the homeless.


    Again, need some clarification. If you mean financially, then sure, I gotcha. Heck, I’m doing better than the homeless too. What, exactly, is your point? Oh yeah, that’s right. You like to keep your money.

  7. I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.


    Noble? Victimized? I wouldn’t go that far. I would, however, say that being a minority in this country is a shaft, mostly because of people like you. It isn’t about a better chance, it’s about a fair chance. It isn’t about being a victim, it’s about never being a victim again.

  8. I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird or piss me off.


    Yes, you do. Provided you aren’t in a position to pass legislation about it.

  9. I know what SEX is and there are not varying degrees of it.


    No, I imagine for you it’s meat and potatoes pretty much all the time.

  10. I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy queen shake, pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English. As a matter of fact, if
    you are an American citizen you should speak English. My father and grandfather shouldn’t have to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come disrespect ours.

    Your grandfather spoke Lithuanian. Mine spoke Gaelic. I agree, they didn’t die so you could disrespect them.

  11. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can’t understand
    the word freeze or stop in English, see the previous line.


    Absolutely. Just because the cops beat the crap out of your neighbor, arrested two of your friends for nothing, releasing one of them after six months, stopped your 12-year-old sister as she was coming back from the store and accused her of prostitution, just because they’ve stopped you three times this month, don’t run! Nah, stay there! C’mon, trust us!

  12. I don’t use the excuse “it’s for the children” as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.


    Me either. No, seriously, we’re in agreement. It won’t happen often.

  13. If I received oral sex from one of my subordinate employees in my office, it wouldn’t be a private matter or my personal business. I would have been FIRED immediately.


    And I’m sure that where ever you work, you wouldn’t have been missed. Your firing would not have caused the entire company to come to a grinding halt.

  14. I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount when needed.


    Which leads me to believe you work with your hands. I work with machines. I’d rather have *you* do a recount than a fucking machine.

  15. I know what the definition of lying is.


    And I’m sure it serves you well, in the limited scope of your tiny little world.

  16. I don’t think just because you were not born in this country, you qualify for any special loan programs, govm’t sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can open a hotel, c-store, trinket shop, or any thing else.


    Absolutely. Our country has become nothing but poorer and nastier through the industriousness of those from other countries. God knows it’s bad for the economy, all these fucking businesses run by conscientous people.

  17. I didn’t take the initiative in inventing the Internet.


    Yes, and for that, the Internet thanks you.

  18. I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny.


    Me too.

  19. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

    I have no problem with those who choose to do so blowing their heads off.

  20. I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn’t mean I want to listen to that crap from someone else’s car when I’m stopped at a red light. But I respect your right to.


    I’ll turn down my Ozzy when you turn down your Shania.

  21. I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box.


    That much is obvious from the rest of your screed. School and work both have their place, but you’re too busy being jealous of them smart folks to realize that. Congratulations, your attitude will cripple your children.

  22. I don’t want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.

    Me either.

  23. We did not go to some foreign country and risk lives in vain to defend our constitution so that decades later you can tell us it’s a living
    document ever changing and is open to interpretation.

    Could you look up a couple things for me? Good. Go to the library, and find instructions for building a transistor. Got it? Okay, next, I’d like you to find something on infrastructure for cities with populations over a million. Ready? Okay, last thing–find the plans for a good car. Or even a bad one–but it has to have a combustion engine and an automatic transmission. Got all that? Oh darn! I forgot! You’re only allowed to use books *over 200 years old*.

  24. I don’t hate the rich.


    I kinda do, but I admit that’s a grevious fault of mine.

  25. I don’t pity the poor.

    Can’t disagree there.

  26. I know wrestling is fake.

    NOOOOOO!!!!

  27. I’ve never owned or was a slave, and a large percentage or our forefathers weren’t wealthy enough to own one either.

    …and?? Oh, I get it. You think that a systemic problem doesn’t need to be corrected just because you aren’t personally responsible. Remember that next time you get a snakebite. You didn’t do it, and it’s only in your ankle, but it will spread and poison your body until you die.

  28. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell’s Angel with an attitude.

    I’m hoping so.

  29. I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime then you will serve
    the time. A rubber band and a paper clip is a dangerous weapon in the hands of someone with malicious intent.

    ‘Scuse me while I trot down to the local elementary and take out a few kids with my trusty box of paper clips. Time and time again the rest of the world has proven that fewer guns means fewer gun deaths. On the other hand, I think the world is overpopulated anyway–so hey–go for it.

  30. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it pisses you off, invent the next operating system that’s better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

    Unlike you, Bill doesn’t think he’s entitled to keep his money, and he gives away billions. But since we’re on the subject, it isn’t about better, it’s about business. Yes, he has the right to make or buy it, then market it. But if you build a better OS, he doesn’t have the right to use every dirty and illegal trick in the book to make sure you can’t put your name on the building. Even at that, he makes a better American than you do.

  31. I like the convenience of buying oranges from a sidewalk vendor or while I’m waiting at a stoplight, and I’m pretty sure the Latin midget selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator box in East Dallas or is sleeping in the streets of her home country.

    The appropriate term is “little person”.

  32. We don’t need more laws! Let’s enforce the ones we already have.


    Like the ones where corporations aren’t allowed to pollute and rape and pillage the environment? Alright! I’m with ya! Oh wait, you were talking about guns again, weren’t you?

  33. I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent with the guts to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say “NO.”

    Look how well it worked for you.

  34. I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.

    Once again we agree. Well, unless of course the tattoo says “VOTE NADER!” That would definitely be a political statement.

  35. I’ll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was “Ole Yeller.”

    Steven Segal doesn’t make a lot of tear-jerkers.

  36. I didn’t realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.

    A little late on board, but I’ll still give you a brownie point for that.

  37. I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this country
    allowed me that right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody’s feelings.

    Slight correction: you can believe anything you like. And I can look down upon you and frown upon you. That’s *my* right. Too bad about your feelings.

  38. I’m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

    Sorry, not to poke fun, but I have a really hard time believing you have any idea what “disenfranchised” means. Though you’re right, you’re not it.

  39. Yes, I guess by their definition, I’m a BAD American.

    No, not really. American standards are pathetically low. Bad world citizen? Yeah, I’ll go that. You’re the reason the rest of the world are alternately amused and appalled by Americans. Congratulations, your a laughingstock, but only to people you don’t care about, so it’s okay.

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