I can’t believe I’m still

I can’t believe I’m still full of tears. Just below the surface, waiting for a moment of weakness.

I’m back at work today. A few of the staff are here, preparing to leave in a few minutes for annual training. They’ll be gone for the rest of the week, and I’ll have the place to myself. Most of them look pretty normal. Smiles are a little more tentative. I’m not like them and I don’t know why. Getting breakfast at the federal building next door I could see the guard felt like I did–eyes hollowed out, in grief for his own reasons.

I don’t know what my reasons are. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I do. I’ve been through so much in my life; experienced so much loss. It changes me. This has changed me. A key has turned. Perhaps the rest of the world will go back to business as usual, but I will never be the same.

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