You know that one person in your life that you call every day? The one you share all the little stuff with? And the big stuff, for that matter. Not only that, but you’re there for them as well–it isn’t one way.

I don’t have that. Haven’t for years. No, I’m not looking for sympathy. This entry is officially Writing for Myself. I just need to work some things out in my head. I haven’t had a human touchstone for years. When I say years, I mean a lot of them. I think after a while it makes you a little insane.

I’ve tried to build friendships. I think I probably get too needy. I don’t want to be needy–I also want to be needed. But when I tell my friends my troubles, I’m dumping. I know it, and I find it intolerable. Yeah, yeah, now I’m gonna get a bunch of calls/emails from people saying: “you can talk to me any time!” Okay, but can you talk to me? That’s what a touchstone is.

And right now I should specify that I do, in fact, have this relationship with a couple people via email. You know who you are, and I love you very much. I’m glad and grateful for you.

But you aren’t here.

Fatal admission: I’m really fucking lonely right now. I suspect I’m going to regret this entry tomorrow. I wish I were drunk, so I would have a good excuse. Wow, the things I would write if I drank! Now that would make for an entertaining blog.

Not entertaining tonight. Just depressing. Sorry everyone. I’ll bounce back. Ya know I always do.

2 Responses to Touchstone

  1. jane says:

    you need a vacation. pick a weblogger you like and go visit.

  2. ad says:

    I have a similar situation. I’ve thrown myself into work and volunteering to get around it, but there’s still no one there (and no one to call) when I come home. I do my best to ignore it. I hope you find a way around it. Black holes are very unpleasant.