I Smite Thee!

In our home, we use none of the usual euphemisms for those infamous tummy troubles. Rather, we say we have “angered the Poop Gods.” Sometimes I imagine what the Poop Gods are saying:

“Mortal worm! Last night you feasted on a fine meal of a bagel slathered with cream cheese and topped with teriyaki smoked oysters. It was nutritious, and aye, it did please the palate. You were full thereupon. But lo, were you satisfied? Alas, no! You were tempted by the noisesome Apple Jacks lurking in the cupboard. And even though your belly was leaden, you crept to the kitchen and ate upon the Apple Jacks, evenso with milk, though they are unseemly in Our eyes! For this, and in consideration of Our general crotchitiness, We therefore layeth down the smack upon your frail and evanescent form, beeyotch!”

When we are so afflicted, we also have a little song we sing to honor the Poop Gods. To the tune of the Amour Hot Dog song:

Poop Gods, angry Poop Gods
What kinds of foods call angry Poop Gods?

Bland foods, spicy foods,
Foods you serve on rice
Soft foods, crunchy foods,
All the foods you think are nice call Poop Gods

Angry Poop Gods
The gods that make you shit!

If you would like to sing this delightful song with your little ones, feel free to change that final vulgarity to a redundant “poop”, or perhaps “cry”, or maybe “curse the sweet, dark cradle of your mother’s womb, as all that came afterward was suffering.”

4 Responses to I Smite Thee!

  1. spousal unit says:

    I imagine the Poop Gods as looking rather like Jabba the Hut, hurling turds instead of lightning bolts at the miserable mortals.

  2. J.D. Roth says:

    Ah, yes: gastrointestinal distress. I know thee well, old friend. And milk and cereal is a frequent source of said ailment. In fact, even as I speak, there’s a box of Luck Charms sitting, staring me in the face. The milk calls from the fridge. I know I oughtn’t eat them because my stomach will be all googly and gross all day, and I risk angering the Poop Gods, but I’m going to eat them all the same…

  3. Cat says:

    JD: Sounds like you’re lactose intolerant. IANAD, but you might try popping a Lactaid and see if it helps.

  4. spousal unit says:

    Oh, and the worst thing about that damned song (which, by the way, I did *not* make up)? I’ve never heard the Amour Hot Dog song, but the first line is a perfect fit with the tune of the theme from The Flintstones, which I have heard. So I get this abomination:

    Poop Gods, angry Poop Gods
    They’re a modern Stone Age fam– wait, that’s not right —