My Accomplishments

Do you work someplace where you must fill out an annual employee evaluation form, listing your accomplishments? Ever get a little stuck? I’m sure many sensible people would advise you to keep a file of your completed goals throughout the year, so you’re ready at review time. Nonsense! Just do what my friend Quentin* did, and get some friends to help you with your list:


  1. “Did my job. Didn’t quit. Complained little.”
  2. “Caused few workplace incidents. Threatened nobody’s job security. Smiled, nodded.”
  3. “Saved company from total annihiliation on countless occasions.”
  4. “Repeatedly violated parole in order to come in to work.”
  5. “Dead-lifted over 700 pounds in order to intimidate competition.”
  6. “Emitted fragrant vanilla scent throughout office by manipulating own genes, with catastrophic effect on own virility.”
  7. “Didn’t sleep with your wife even though she totally wanted me.”
  8. “Only urinated in common coffee pot twice, and was drunk both times, so it’s totally okay.”
  9. “Didn’t affix ‘Kick Me’ signs to any coworkers backs this year.”
  10. “When photocopier broke, climbed inside empty shell and used superior sketching abilities to duplicate important documents.”
  11. “Ate all office trash to reduce waste collection bills.”
  12. “Refrained from murdering bosses and eating their hearts on five seperate occasions.”
  13. “Replaced weak, single-point-of-failure-prone human body with modular fungal body.”
  14. “Shared Danielle’s unintentionally humourous attempts at English language with community of Internet friends.”
  15. “Anonymously complimented CEO on stock trading bulletin boards directly resulting in stock price increases of 0.0035%.”
  16. “Demonstrated deft organizational skills by sorting recieved emails in such a manner as to reduce inbox content to 32 messages.”
  17. “Emitted copious amounts of gas, lowering the company heating bills by an infinitesimal amount each time.”
  18. “Made sure to keep entire office up-to-date on the state of hilarious internet email forwards.”
  19. “Developed new, efficent data structure for databases known as ‘Me-Tree’.”
  20. “Tattoed self with source code for major projects to facilitiate meetings (80% now obsolete).”
  21. “Killed self in ritual sacrifice in order to transfer own soul into the PBX, resulting in a 31% increase in overall efficiency and a 100% increase in non-corporeality.”
  22. “Once stretched arms to nearly 15 meters long in order to acquire coffee without leaving chair.”
  23. “Retained conciousness through almost every meeting I attended.”
  24. “Removed all tupperware from communal fridge before contained food went bad.”
  25. “Maintained cool head under pressure and didn’t pee on people who talked to me in the bathroom.”
  26. “Found Danielle a potential husband in Cleveland, OH.”
  27. “Undertook many Flash-based game projects to their completion.”
  28. “Cashed these cheques.”
  29. “Organized other people’s mp3 collections into a communal repository on my hard drive, for use by people, such as myself.”
  30. “Leveraged.”
  31. “Showered at LEAST twice a week so as not to offend coworkers with a sensitive sense of smell.”
  32. “Created hostile, motivating work environment.”
  33. “Played upbeat circus music when not at desk.”
  34. “Blocked cock.”
  35. “Only leaked information to fiercest competitor two or three times.”
  36. “Didn’t cc: superiors of correspondants unless they started it.”
  37. “Only came work to naked twice, and was drunk both times so it doesn’t count.”
  38. “Made sure to camouflage 40 of King Cobra with a paper bag when I took it to meetings.”
  39. “Pursued skirt, pursuant to ISO-9000 regulations.”
  40. “Ran informal training sessions on revenue maximization using dice and a cardboard box. Meetings held in adjacent alley.”
  41. “Helpfully provided input to coworkers to assist in the team’s recent Wiki installation, by shouting ‘WIKIWIKIWIKIWIKI’ whenever necessary.”

*Not his real name. I mean really, “Quentin”? Who is named Quentin besides Tarantino? And did he just make that shit up or what?

1 Responses to My Accomplishments

  1. Jenn says:

    I’m guilty of #’s 3, 9, 33, and especially 41. Excellent list! Motivates me to want to write one of my own.