The Wheels on The Bus

Now that I’ve destroyed your mind with a terrible earworm, let me move in while you’re vulnerable and make a point: you don’t know how to ride the bus. Okay, maybe you do, but that guy over there is about to get shoved out the back door by angry regulars. So slip him the basics.

Get the hell out of the way

  • Unless you’re getting off at the next stop, the bus is completely full, or you are observing the driver closely for signs of alien influence, don’t stand up front by the door. If I’m trying to get past as I board, I’m warning you: I will push your ass.
  • Sit down. If there is a place to sit, and you’re not getting off at the next stop, plant your butt. Exceptions made for pregnant women with hemorrhoids.
  • Unless there’s nowhere else to stand, don’t stand by the back door. Yes, I know it’s a nifty little spot, and it makes you feel all safe and special, but you’re gonna make me push again.
  • Move to the back. Yes, even up those little stairs where the high seats are. If the bus isn’t filling up too badly, of course it doesn’t matter where you stand. But for sanity’s sake, pay attention, and move to the back before you have to be told.
  • Exit out the back, if at all possible. In Portland, it kind of depends if anyone is getting on or not, but for efficiency’s sake, it’s a good habit.
  • If you have the aisle seat, and the person in the window seat needs to de-board, don’t just move your knees. Save your disdain for humanity for the mosh pit. Get completely out of your seat and move out of the way.

Let others get the hell out of the way

  • Unless you are o’erburdened to o’erflowing, put your stuff on your lap once all the other seats have at least one person in them. Before then, okay, you get a free ride for your backpack. After that, load up those thighs. Note: if you’re going to fall asleep, put the pack on your lap to begin with, because I’m not afraid to wake you up.
  • I don’t believe your balls are that big, so sit up straight and put your goddamned knees together, mister.
  • Put your feet down, you inconsiderate little turd.

Miscellaneous Directives

  • Don’t hit people. It never fails: if I don’t take my backpack off and carry it in front of me, I whack some poor knob. Don’t be like me; take your pack off and keep it where you can see it.
  • Talk so the person next to you can hear you. I am not the person next to you.
  • To offer someone your seat in a way that will get them to actually take it, get up, gesture to your former seat, and say: “Please, have a seat.” If you offer while still seated, most folks will demur.
  • Let couples get on first, so if there’s just one clear seat left, they can sit together. Note: this is more of a selfish request than a rule.

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