Broken

So, an update from this.

Yeah…not so great. The Ritalin worked for a time, but was overwhelmed by a depressive episode. Yay! So many drugs, so little time. Also, it had the somewhat disturbing side-effect of making me love everything. I’d get this sudden sweep of well-being when the drug kicked in. Yeah, it was nice. Yeah, I’d go back to that, if it helped me concentrate. Maybe I do need to go back now that my mood is under better control. I don’t know. It’s really confusing, and hard to focus on.

Right now I’m on Dexadrine, but this dosage isn’t helping me concentrate. Know what happens when I can’t concentrate? Can’t work. And what’s next? Depression, oh yeah. I get so frustrated! Since I was diagnosed, it’s almost worse, because I feel like there’s hope–there’s something out there that will help, but it seems to be just beyond my reach. It’s killing me, because other than this blockage crap, I have a pretty good handle on my depression. Sure, there are stresses and triggers and such, but they aren’t that common, and I can see them coming and bounce back. But the ADD-caused blockage–where I can’t do anything–my mind just slips sideways–that is far, far too common. And it squashes me like a bug. Goddammit.

Ah, but that’s not even the highly personal crap I came here to write about today. I’m in a rambly mood.

The thing I was just thinking about (for those few, precious minutes I could hold it in my flippin’ mind) was Big Interests, and how they go away.

Remember my bento kick? I loved making bentos! I even converted some friends. I had decided that I’d been interested long enough to maybe even write a book about creating bento for American tastes. I collected just enough boxes to make the photography interesting, and started learning about how to photograph food. I started building recipes. Then I stopped. My lovely boxes are collecting dust. At least I still use the photography lights, and that study has helped me take pretty good photographs of other projects.

Most recently, my pottery died. I had been taking classes since January, and having a great time. Then there was a two-week break, and I started on a hand-building class, instead of the wheel-throwing I’d been doing. Possibly, there was Blogathon stress in there as well, as I found I had to skip classes to work on it. But when it came time to go back…I couldn’t. I was utterly uninterested. And I thought this was it–I subscribed to a couple magazines, and looked forward to making dishes and vases and gifts for friends. Maybe it was hand-building. I hate coiling. I don’t know. I just know that, for now, it’s gone, and it hurts.

I’ve done this with so very many things. So many ideas, so many books I wanted to write, so much art I wanted to build. All gone, with the fickleness of my fucking disease. If I can even blame ADD–though inability to maintain interest in things is a common symptom.

I learned to cope with this in my craft room. I just do whatever I want, whenever I want. I buy supplies I am interested, and play. No beating myself up, even if I don’t set foot in the craft room at all for weeks. Even if all I do is organize my stamps, well, that’s fine.

I even cope pretty well when it comes to Blogathon. The Spousal Unit says I’m better at sticking with things when others are depending upon me, and he may be right.

I still have my seasonal frenzy of interest in Halloween, graveyards, Christmas stuff, organizing, frugality. It comes and goes. I’m hoping that it will all come and go, as I get better. I hope I’ll make another bento someday.

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