The Last Journal: Milk toast

Mom suffered from depression, alcoholism, and paranoid schizophrenia. There is surprisingly little evidence of the last in her journal, but here you can see a sliver of it. Her awareness of the event is unusual. I do remember her talking about this, though it may have been a similar incident. 

Feb. 23 1983

Wednesday, back to routine and work. Good days off. Got a lot done. Still need a bed, just have to keep looking. Just about ready to sart on books. Miss Mar this morning for some reason. S to school today, got a lot of work done yesterday, too. Weather fair, cloudy, not yet raining. To bed at 11, up at 11.

Where’s the button on this…oh there it is. For some reason, I love this pic. Obviously the first one we took with a new camera.

Feb 24 – 83

To bed at 4:00, up at 11:30. Drink too much. Was woke up at about 5 and told to eat milk toast and I did. I still don’t understand it. I think it was my mom–whoever–they had control of my mind and that scares me.

S off to school, having some rough days due to being ill early–just got to keep plugging. Bad food night, but got some work done. Jack went back with his wife. I was hurt for a while. That’s life. No word from Mar yet since last Saturday. Miss her a lot;  most of the time. Hope check comes today. Hope, hope, hope.

S wrote grandmother [paternal], sent yesterday. Hot flashes still with me, not as bad as I think. Vites helping, mind much clearer. Weight 145, still holding. Weather like spring yesterday. Still nice, but wet today. Sprinkled Bold all over carpet–hope it gets some of the dog smell out. My head still itching. Work is just a time passer for money. $179.60 per week, $25 under the table.

3 Responses to The Last Journal: Milk toast

  1. Sandra Carner says:

    Cat, I know your mother liked some beer, but I never considered the other two personality traits in your mother. I was not around her much but did visit her often that last year, she was always positive and hopeful despite her condition. Love and hugs, Aunt Sandy

    • frykitty says:

      I knew someone would question, and that’s okay. Remember, though, that these aren’t personality traits, or weaknesses. They’re diseases–ones Mom couldn’t do much about at the time. I’d rather not get into all the stuff that went on, so you’re gonna have to trust her kids on this one. Let’s just say the milk toast was very, very minor.

      • Ivy says:

        Sandra,

        It’s fine if you were unaware, but serious mental illness was something Mother dealt with all of her adult life.

        She always put on a positive face for others, but her private reality was quite different.

        It speaks to her tenaciousness and grit that she maintained a job and a household and gave the illness as little room in her life as she could manage.

        Ivy

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