I was talking with a

I was talking with a friend today about getting old. I am so there. I have to save a lot of money to do what I want to do (that’s what employee retirement accounts are for!), but I have it planned. I want to live in a cool home where I have my own little efficiency apartment. Of course, I’ll have to have at least one cat . Probably only one, since I’ll be home a lot to give it attention. Someone will check on me every day to make sure I’m okay. Every day, I’ll go have communal meals in the cafeteria (the food isn’t great, but I don’t have taste buds so I don’t care). I’ll sit in the rec room and flirt with all the old guys. Maybe get me some wrinkly booty. I’ll rant about the damned teevee, and I’ll play scrabble and UNO, and sometimes I’ll go outside and grab a spot by the tiny pool.

The best part: bus trips. I want to go on ALL the bus trips. Anywhere. Just toolin’ around the country with a bunch of cackling old farts, taking a bunch of pics with my digicam so I can put them up on my page. Yes, of course I’ll still have a page! And I’ll belong to lots of online communities where old ladies talk about their operations. I’ll lie about mine, of course. “Yep, yep, got the triple bypass with local anesthetic! Didn’t hurt a bit! I got to watch!”

I wonder what this generation is going to be like when they’re old. All the tattoos faded to unrecognizable blobs, all the piercings sagging. My theory: we’ll find a whole new way to modify our bodies in our old age…because we’ll have EXTRA SKIN! Think of it…a Cardassian-like ridge of extra skin coiled down each side of the neck…braided wattles…sinuous patterns from elbow to wrist. Combine that with creative tattooing for color, and you’ve got some bitchin’ geriatric bodmod.

Old is gonna be great. I honestly get excited thinking about it. I know I know, it’s not all booty and bus trips. Contemplating it, I think I’d better get my ass on my bike or it’s not gonna be any fun at all. Ah well, even if I’m sickly, I’ll at least make sure someone dyes my hair a couple different shades of blue. And green.

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