Dear frykitty:

My office mates and I would like your advice on how to drive our idiot boss to the unemployment line. His trespasses are too numerous to number or forgive. We really hate him. And he's not very bright. And we hate him. Plus, he's stupid. And there's the hate thing. Please help, we're desperate.

Signed,

We hate him so much

---

Dear Hate:

Remember, the only person you can truly influence is yourself. Pay attention to your needs--pamper yourself at this stressful time. Buy yourself a little gift, get a massage, have a nice meal. Be sure to lower your stress level and raise that self-esteem! Then you'll be ready to follow my sure-fire instructions for

Driving Your Boss to Check In to An Extended Care Facility
Or At Least Resign

Your boss will go through several stages in his journey toward madness. Watch carefully for them, and perform the specified activities. Remember: be consistent and persistent.

Consistent means that when you adjust his chair, adjust it the same way each time. This will lead to repair calls, chair replacement, and eventual insanity. Persistence is doubly important. A prank played once is funny. Twice is annoying. Three times is a little frightening. Ten or more times will send the victim screaming.

Stage One: Sane (or as sane as ever) Boss, no unusual behaviors.

Activities:

1. When the boss is away from his desk, place a small squeaky toy in his office where he can see it. Either the middle of the desk, or someplace odd, like in a corner. When he leaves his office again, remove the squeaky toy if possible. Repeat.
2. Re-program his speed-dial to phone numbers outside the country. When he corrects them, change them back. Remember consistency: use the same numbers each time. This will increase the sense of mystery, and annoy the person your boss is calling.
3. Adjust chair height. To be affective, this should be done at every possible opportunity. Remember to continue re-adjustment even if he has his chair replaced.

Stage Two: Paranoid Boss. Your boss will now be afraid to leave his desk unless absolutely necessary, so stage two involves activities that do not require him to be away from the office.

Activities:

1. Out on the town after work? Leave your boss voicemail from a payphone. Do NOT, under any circumstances, allow your boss to hear your voice. Not even your breathing. Enlist strangers to shout your boss' name into the phone. Make sure to use different strangers for each call.
2. Bring a distinctive, but unisex, shirt to work. Schedule times for each of your co-workers to wear the shirt, being sure that the boss sees each person.
3. If you can approach the boss' office door without detection, pour a small amount of scent on a tissue and quietly rub it next to the door opening. Use a different scent each day. Old Spice and Lemon Pledge are excellent choices.

Stage Three: Breakdown. Your boss will take a few days off. It's very important you do a few simple things to prepare for his return.

Activities:

1. Very carefully soak his office carpet and chair until they are just damp.
2. Place as many squeaky toys in his office as possible. If available, use the same kind you used earlier.
3. Fill his voicemail with phonebooth calls while he's gone.
4. Scent the office liberally.

These activities will serve as a finale. It is doubtful your boss will stay long enough to check his voicemail. Congratulations! You now have the skills to drive any boss straight to the nuthatch!

frykitty