Dear frykitty:

I am in desperate need of your help, as I know you are the end all and be all of anything and everything! Here is the problem: my boss is a weenie. My last boss was a weenie too but this guy is a bigger weenie! All he ever does is talk about himself...I could be telling him about a serious problem I'm having with a student and he will interrupt me with a comment about his golf swing! He even had the nerve to insist that a company was upset with him because he didn't allow them to interview him for a job!!!!! Like he was doing them a favor! This guy is the epitome of arrogance. How do I deal?

Signed,

Sick of Weenie Boss

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Dear Sick:

It sounds like your boss is suffering from low self-esteem, and has a need to be the center of attention. Normally, I would recommend open sharing of feelings, along with some appropriate expression of affection to make your boss feel more secure in his position and less needy. A little show of loyalty can go a long way.

In this case, however, your boss plays golf. Golf is an elitist and environmentally insensitive "sport", played by effete white males to cover up their inability to satisfy their wives sexually. Golf annoys me. I therefore recommend mild humiliation as a way of humbling your boss and making him less affective in the office.

The Affectionate Nickname

You and your co-workers can have fun coming up with an affectionate, slightly demeaning nickname for your boss. I recommend something like "scootie-boy" or "little bun-bun". Be sure to avoid names that could lead to a sexual harassment suit. Several people in the office should agree to use the nickname. When the boss asks why you've called him by the name, say you just heard it somewhere, you don't remember where, and you're sure it was meant nicely. When asked to stop, use it a few more times and immediately apologize for forgetting.

Do they play golf in India?

When your boss interrupts an important conversation to talk about something trivial, such as his golf swing, make it part of the previous conversation. This will point up how very trivial golf is, and that he is a loser for owning such obvious sexual replacements as a set of golf clubs. For example:

You: The office is taking a collection to help flood victims in Mozambique. Would you like--

Him: Hey! You know I finally improved my stance like Bob told me, and I hit that pesky little ball ten more yards!

You: Would you like to send that special ball to Mozambique? I'm sure they'd lost all theirs in the flood. Do golf balls float?

Or, more specific to your situation:

You: I'm really having trouble with a student in--

Him: Boy, I sure love my golf clubs!

You: Do you think you could teach my student to play golf? I think it would really help him deal with his workload.

Try these techniques for a month. At the end of about three weeks, your boss should be either: 1. Less willing to talk to you, or; 2. Spending a lot more time on the golf course. In either case, he's out of your hair. Good luck!

frykitty