frytopia: Essays

Note to regular readers: frykitty does, on occassion, receive serious letters. When she does, as in this case she has, you may expect about 80% less snark. Rest assured this column will never be completely snarkless.

Dear frykitty:

I came across your site and think it's great! I have a problem that could use a refreshing take on it. So here goes.

I am married to a guy that I love but I am not in love with. I am actually in love with my best friend and he has feelings for me too. What do I do?

Signed,

Should I stay or should I go

Dear Stay or Go:

First, let me give you the answer you probably want to hear. I know it's what I would want to hear. This way you have the option of skipping my actual answer.

Wishful thinking answer: Follow your heart! Sure, the breakup with your husband will be painful, but it will be a growing experience, and in the end you will have the companionship of the person you "truly" love.

Here is my real answer. It's an honest one, and one I wish someone had given me many years ago:

Love is a verb. It is not an Act of God, like a tornado that happens to you as you passively hide in an inadequate cellar. It is not fate. It is not something beyond your control. True love is something you do.

That feeling of being "in love" is a door you can walk through. It's mostly a chemical signal that says "hey, this one might work." Once you walk through that door, as you have with your husband, it is your job (and his!) to create the love that will last a lifetime. You do this with your actions. Small signs of respect. Give and take. Observation. Appreciation.

If you follow your "heart" (in fact, we're talking a bit lower down), you will have that lover's high for a while. It's enticing and tempting--but never permanent. Sooner or later, you have to get down to the business of building a deeper and more permanent connection. Too many people miss this step, which is a shame. The fruits of tending a long-term love are more beautiful than any temporary fix.

The practical conclusion is that you create some distance between you and your friend for now. If he is really on your side, he'll understand. That done, it's time to re-discover the person you married. Take some time off together. Try something new--ask him what he'd like to do. I'm not talking sexually, though certainly that is a part of bonding. I'm talking about going for walks, having deep conversations, doing some sort of project together. Create your love, and keep creating it every day. Stay.

frykitty