Dear frykitty:

I am 34 years old and still wet the bed. I am scared to sleep over at a guy's house after a one-night stand, for fear I'll be "discovered". How do I stop this endless cycle of sleeping, peeing, waking, washing the sheets, and sleeping again? Should I just live with it and hope to find a man who likes to sleep in pee, or are there any contraptions or methods of treatment that can help rid me of my curse?

Signed,

The Wet One

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Dear Wet:

While researching your problem, I found out there is a big nasty controversy surrounding a common self-help treatment for urinary incontinence, the world-reknowned and somewhat naughty Kegel. Many doctors think that Kegels are mere nature-boy flim-flam, and darnit they don't want you doing it because it doesn't help. What these doctors fail to understand is that Kegels help you have better and more frequent orgasms. Perhaps Kegels are ineffective at treating incontinence, but any therapy that gives you a better big-O is on the top of my list.

Kegels involve squeezing the pubbococcygeus muscle, which is about two inches inside the vagina. Yes, yes, you can practice exercising this muscle by stopping and starting the flow of urine. If that's what you want to do, this site has some great instructions. But really, how boring. Kegels are much more fun if you get to stick things in your naughty bits.

If you're into the professional stainless-steel look, try a Feminine Personal Trainer. The advantage of this little gizmo is it looks like a steel pestle, so you can keep it in the silverware drawer and no one will be the wiser.

If you'd like a mysterious plastic contraption instead, FemTone Vaginal Weights will baffle even the most discerning guests, though someone may ask to borrow your hot-curlers. FemTone's kit includes a variety of weights, so you can advance from feeling a light squeeze to killing small animals with your vagina in no time. I was unable to tell from the picture if this exerciser vibrates, but wouldn't that be great!

On the bottom of my list is the Kegelmaster 2000. I admit I love the name, and might get one just to leave it on the coffee table and wait for people to ask me what it is. For actual use, however, the Kegelmaster has pinchy-grabby things. I will be putting no pinchy-grabby things in my private parts, thankyouverymuch.

Of course, you may squeeze and squeeze, and become such a hot lover that you need a personal secretary to keep track of your dates, and still need plastic sheets. Fear not, frykitty would not leave you splashing. If you're doomed to be wet, embrace it. Find a man that likes to sleep in pee.

frykitty