Dear frykitty:

I need your help. You see, my boyfriend and I have been going out for about two years now. We are in love, of course, but our sex life is a little troubled now.

The problem is that my boyfriend doesn't ever want to have sex. All he wants are blowjobs. Well, I don't mind one here or there, but that's ALL he wants, and he wants them ALL the time. But wait, it gets worse. Now he's taken to pushing my head down on it, which really annoys me.

I love him, so I don't want to make him mad, but I would really like some advice.

Signed,

Foaming at the mouth

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Dear Foaming:

I'm looking for a way to put this delicately, dearie. Think about the different, um, things a man can do with a woman. Now think about the different, er, things a man can do with a man. From a man's point of view, what do you think is most similar? Oh, sure, there's the back door, but you still have this person sprawled out in front of you one way or another. When you're giving him a bj, you cut a small profile visually (depending on position of course), and you're not making all that obviously-feminine noise. Well, maybe you are, but that's another matter.

What I'm trying to say is this: your boyfriend is gay.

The only sex he'll have with you is the one kind where it's easiest to pretend you're someone else. Specifically, someone male. More specifically, Ricky Martin. As time goes on, play becomes rougher, more designed for a male partner than a female. Think I'm wrong? Next time you're down there, try humming La Vida Loca and see what happens.

Your sweet boyfriend is obviously having some difficulty coming to terms with his sexuality. He may or may not have admitted his swing to himself--either way, he's trying to spare you. What a darling. Give him time to come around on his own. You might counter some of the macho behavior by explaining to him that it's okay to be gentle. Whatever you do, don't push for any big revelations. Let the relationship change as he discovers himself.

Girlfriend, once he discovers himself is when the fun begins.

Of course I don't mean sex. The sex will be over, and you'll have to find yourself a new squeeze, but you've spent two years developing a deep friendship with this person, and as any straight woman can tell you--there is nothing more fun than a gay male friend. There is an ancient and primal bonding between straight women and gay men that is difficult to explain, and can only be experienced.

I'm loathe to make any broad generalizations. While you may harbor fantasies of sharing clothes and doing his makeup, in most cases that ain't gonna happen. But gay male friends are better than straight friends of either sex. Some examples:

Better than women:

• They don't care if you have better makeup.
• You're not competing (really, you're not) for the same guys.
• Minimal back-stabbing.
• Little co-dependence (at least with you).

Better than (straight) men:

• No worries about him being attracted to you.
• Won't tell his buddies how you are in bed.
• Is a blast at a male strip club.

All in all, dear Foaming, I'd say you're better off. Get him drunk and take him to a drag show. Go shopping. Tour health clubs and look at all the muscles. Most of all, enjoy your new best friend.

frykitty