Dear frykitty:

I haven't had sex in three years. I want a piece of ass but can't bring myself to even look at guys. What should I do?

Signed,

One Horny Bitch

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Dear Horny:

You poor, poor thing. I'm going to make a couple of assumptions here. Because you mention guys specifically, I'm going to take a leap of faith and assume you are not gay. I'm also going to assume that you don't have an odd impediment to your sight. This leads me to the conclusion that you've had a very bad experience with a member (so to speak) of the opposite sex. I know how hard that can be.

What you need is a cathartic experience that will satisfy your sexual urges AND help you get over your little trauma. I know this will be difficult honey, but what I want you to do is find a man. Then I want you to humiliate him.

You've already described yourself as a "bitch", why not take that next step and become a whip-weilding, leather-wearing, bad-ass dominatrix? Not only will you have the opportunity to humiliate and punish scores of men, often they will pay you for it!

As recovery therapy, there's nothing better. Imagine you have a client that looks a little like the evil sub-human (we'll call him Brad) who hurt you. You can tell your client that he will answer to the name Brad. Then you can spend the evening saying things like "Brad! Lick my boots you spineless sack of sputum!" or "Brad! Move the couch to the den! No! Not there! Over there! I've changed my mind, move it back! Faster!" You'll never run out of ideas! And even if you do, there are plenty of places to find more.

Finally, if you're still having difficulty looking at your worm long enough to boff him, cover the offensive bits and do what comes naturally.

Soon your home will be ringing with the sound of your evil laughter. And whimpering. Lots of whimpering.

frykitty