I am an Atheist. While I do not hate Christians, I am certainly beginning to fear them as they insist more and more vociferously that I do not belong here.

I knew from an early age that I wasn't welcome. I said the Pledge, god and all, because I knew instinctively that it was better to blend. I protested a little as I got older, but I was a good kid living in a liberal state, so I didn't catch the trouble that so many of my fellow Atheists did.

When it came to matters of principle, I did insist. I had to ask twice to affirm rather than swear to a god when I took my oath of office as a federal employee. I think my Chief was taken aback that anyone could seriously be without a belief in some diety.

Being an Atheist doesn't mean I'm without morals or hope; it means I have the deepest faith, not in a god, but in humanity and its potential. Lately that hope has been damaged some, but I know I'll bounce back and continue to do whatever good work is within my reach.

I've decided it's time to stop blending. I'm here to tell you that, contrary to some opinions, I am a citizen and a patriot. I love this country, and you can't get rid of me so easily. Atheists, by their very nature, don't organize well. It's time we did. Today I registered with American Atheists, and you can see their newsfeed to the right. I urge all my fellow Atheists in the States to make it official. Stand up and be counted.

I am an Atheist, and I belong here.

I often remember many of my dreams. Last night they were vivid, travelling from one exotic locale to another. Many of them involved filming. Gee, wonder why.

The best bit was one beautiful image:

In some southern country, there is a white stucco mansion with a garden and pools jutting out into the beach. Surrounding the garden is a chest-high wall. The water immediately surrounding the wall is about calf deep, becoming deeper only a few feet out.

A friend and I are leaning against the outside of the wall, looking in at something being filmed in the gardens. Various sea creatures brush past our ankles.

I look down, and notice the water is black with schools of fish. I'm astounded--I've never seen anything like it. When I look closer, I see it is density and shadows that produce the blackness, because the fish themselves are of two species--one a very pale yellow, and the other bright gold. I gently scoop a double handful of water, and there are ten or so fish in my hands.

Well, I didn't hear until after the fact (and then through referrer logs. Hrmph!) but it looks like my 30 seconds of fame aired this morning. No worries though, as it will be archived in a few days and everyone can hear it.

I'm pretty disappointed that I didn't get to tell my Aussie friends in time to hear it live though.

*grump*

I wanted to do a post on breaking bad habits, so I went surfing around the web. What I found was a lot of stupid advice. "Write down all your bad habits in one column..." "get a partner to help you..." a lot of complicated claptrap that is just the opposite of what I personally must do to have any success. So instead of pointing to help from the experts, I'm going to pontificate a bit.

First, let me say up front that I don't think things like smoking and overeating are mere habits. Habits are small things, not major addictions. Maybe you can hack at bits of addictions with habit-breaking techniques, but generally it's more complex.

I've managed to break a couple of habits over the last while. I had a 20-year addiction to Mountain Dew that I replaced with Diet Coke. Yes, that is an improvement. I stopped tearing at my hands and nails, which I had done all my life.

My big wish: that it were as easy to create a good habit as it is to stop a bad one. I still don't have that down, and if you have advice, I'm all ears.

That said, here are Kitty's Tips For Breaking Bad Habits:

1. Choose only one thing at a time.
   
2. Keep it small and specific. "I won't overeat" is too far-reaching and you will set yourself up for failure. "I'll drink Diet Coke instead of Mountain Dew" is much, much easier. Success builds on itself.
   
3. Don't write it down or talk about it until you've been successful for about a month. Sharing your plans takes the wind out of your sails.
   
4. If you have to, replace your habit with something less destructive.
   
5. Don't try to break another habit until you've been successful at one for about a month.

That's it. No special exercises, no mantra. To use a phrase I wish Nike hadn't ruined: Just do it.

I'm not so good with the follow-through, but I'll try to post updates with my successes. I'd tell you what I'm working on now, but that would break rule #2.

Gave my first interview ever last night, for Triple J radio in Australia. Zoie asked me questions about the Blogathon, and about blogging in general.

She wanted to know why blogging was suddenly so popular, and I was a little stumped. For some reason I'm not connecting with the sudden upsurge in the popularity of blogging. I've been here, but I feel like I missed something. I still feel just as insulated as I did before. People in the office give me the same puzzled looks when I talk about my site as they did last year.

She asked what makes blogging important, and I assumed she meant important to the rest of the world, but I think I gave her a bad answer. I said it was made important by the attention focused on it by outside media. In part, I do think this is true, but blogging is also important as a tool for self expression. Ah well, I think I got that across somewhere else.

Zoie asked some insightful questions. Me, I think I stammered and repeated myself too much. Thank goodness it's a tape, so she can edit the thing.

One thing I hope doesn't get edited: I mentioned Jerwin, Paul, Lilly, and JR as good examples of blogs. I think there's great variety and interest in there. Also, they are my friends.

I feel a little guilty for not mentioning this Paul, but ah well. Next time.

Blogathon 2002 launches officially in a few hours. (Unofficially, just between you and me, it's been open since noon.) On the eve of the launch it seems appropriate to talk about what made me do it. It was a quote from a favorite musician, David Bridie. It's here in the archives, but it deserves to be reposted for this year:

"Look, if you don’t think the world’s right, there’s no point sitting in your room smoking a joint and doing nothing about it. That’s hypocrisy. And the idea shouldn’t be that doing a good thing makes you a better person. To me, if you don’t do anything, you’re a shithead."

Yep, that's right. It's all about not being a shithead.

During the process of setting up the Blogathon, I've had the pleasure of researching organizations that do good in the world. There are so very many, it makes you wonder how things can go so horribly wrong. Things do go wrong, but people like this and this and this give me hope.

Personally, I feel like I never do enough. I'm striving for utopia. I'm tilting at windmills. If you help, we can knock a few down.

Bill recently returned from visiting a friend in Kuwait. While there, they visited a satellite station that had been bombed to smithereens in the war. Here are some pics he put together quickly. There will be more to come.

Slight change, but everything is confirmed: August 24, 3:30pm.

I went in to the jewelers to get the engraving on the rings today. Junks of shiny platinum that could take down a brontosaurus. Oooh...pretty!

Have I said that life is good lately?

Life is good.

*taps on glass*

Ahem.

I have a teensy announcement to make.

When: August 23rd, 2002 (not sure of the time yet)
Where: Las Vegas, NV
How: By Elvis, natch.
What else: It's during BlogCon! Yep, we did that on purpose. We hope to see some of you there!

I got to say "action!"

The first day of film class was as much of a blast as one might expect. Our first assignment is due in about 10 days. Just three minutes of experimenting with shots.

We talked about film stock, played with cameras, went out and shot a couple scenes, watch a bit of Leni Riefenstahl. I believe I'm the second-oldest in the class, but luckily I don't look it. I can blend with the 20-somethings. It is definitely a group of film students. Lots of piercings, tatts, the usual. Well, I do live in Portland, ya know.

This is going to be fun.

NOTE: If you haven't done the visualisation below, don't read this entry, or it will be spoiled.

Once you know what the symbol represents, interpretation is pretty straightforward, so I won't go deeply into that.

Here's the skinny:

The meadow is just to get you relaxed. On to the forest path...

THE PATH is the course of your life. Is it winding or straight? The less it winds, the further ahead you feel you can see. Is it paved? Rocky? How hard is your life right now? Mine is paved, and curves gently. Yeah, I have it e-z.

THE FOREST represents your friends. Are there a lot of them, packed tightly? Is the forest deep and mysterious, or light and airy? How sturdy are the trees--in other words--how much can/do you depend upon your friends? My forest is shaded but not dark. The trees are tall, and widely spaced.

THE KEY is your father. What you do with it is your relationship. My key is old and rusted, but I put it in my pocket in case it's good for something someday.

THE POND is your mother. Again, what you do with the pond is your relationship. My pond is a little cool, but inviting. I swim a little before continuing.

THE HOUSE is yourself. The amount of interior you can see is how open you are with others. Its sturdiness is a measure of security. A house is also a common dream symbol for the self, and I have watched my house change tremendously over the years. When I first did this meditation, I had a little brick house with tiny windows. I'll talk more about the house thing tomorrow.

THE WALL is death. How the wall looks and what you do at it describes your attitude about death. Mine is a bit tall, and made of painted white stone. I'm still convinced I can climb over.

The meditation is a lot of fun to walk a friend through face to face. Some things may be off, but I found enough of it to be bang-on to make it interesting.

I used to have a friend named Cathy who was instinctively good with symbols. She knew how to use and interpret them as naturally as some have an aptitude for math.

She taught me a symbolic visualisation that she said would tell her all about me. Because you can't peek at the end first, I'll put up the interpretive part tomorrow. Write down your answers to the bolded text as you go:

You are walking through a meadow toward a forest on the other side. The sky is clear, and it's a perfect day. You are neither too cold nor too hot, and the meadow is quiet except for the sounds of birds and insects. A tiny breeze stirs the grass as you walk.

You come to the edge of the forest and you notice a path leading inside. You step on to the path and start into the forest. Describe the path, and how you feel. How are you travelling the path?

You are now deep inside the forest. Smell the air, feel the temperature of the woods on your skin. Describe the forest. Are there many trees or a few? How tall are they? How far apart are they?

As you are walking in the forest, you see a small object on the ground up ahead. Walk to it, pick it up. It is a key. Describe the key. Is it new? Old? Heavy or light? What do you do with the key?

Continuing through the forest, you see a tiny sparkle of water through the trees. You follow it to discover a pond. Describe the pond. Large or small? How deep is the pond? Is it murky or clear? What do you do at the pond?

You leave the pond and continue on the path through the woods. The path leads you out of the woods and into another meadow on the other side. There is a small hill. Up at the top of the hill, there is a house. Walk up to the house. Describe the house. Are there lots of windows? Can you see inside? Does it look sturdy? New or old? What color is it? What do you do at the house?

You leave the house and continue on the path, which leads to the bottom of the hill and goes on for some time. At last, you come to a wall crossing the path. You cannot get around it. Describe the wall. What do you do at the wall?

That's the end of the visualisation. Tomorrow I'll tell you what all those symbols mean. At least according to Cathy.

Me: I suppose I should put up a new entry.
Kel: Tuesday, May 28th.
Me: But who's counting, right?
Kel: You do have regular readers, you know.
Me: *sigh* Tomorrow. I promise.

So Kel and I went to see About a Boy, Hugh Grant's latest flick. It didn't change the world or me, but it was an enjoyable bit of time. The story avoids the usual cliches and turns up fresher than most of the genre.

Written and directed by the Chuck and Buck folks, you would expect the soundtrack to contain the Earworm of Doom, but in fact Badly Drawn Boy does most of the songs, and it's great. I'll be buying that one.

The big flaw is the main character. Hugh Grant plays Will, who is isolated, does nothing, and is essentially a blank slate until he begins interacting with the boy, Marcus. I've never met a blank slate. While they may exist, I rather doubt it. Everyone has something they love, something that makes them individual. Will is more of an archetype than a real person. This is fine, but it sticks out among a cast of perfectly natural, if odd, folks.

I'd recommend About a Boy for an evening of light viewing. The performances are good, the writing is good, and the soundtrack is happy-making.